4.2 A process

Conflict Resolution using RC thinking

It depends on what kind of conflict are we dealing with.

The 2 following descriptions are ends of a continuum and there are many shades in-between.

Respectful conflict where the intention is to find places of accord around what we do agree on and to think about how to arrive at accommodation on things we currently disagree about   – an example is when my thinking about what to do is different from yours and we are seeking to find the places of agreement that will also us to proceed. The potential for power-with the other(s) is high.

We might have feelings about our differences of opinion but we are prepared to notice and own them.  We have the capacity to function well despite our feelings and not let our them guide our actions¹
. We do not feel so intimidated or overpowered in the situation that we can’t think well and we are not so overheated (restimulated) that we cannot listen to each other.

Hostile conflict (intention becomes to wound and gain power-over) – one or both of us are restimulated by the other and/or by something else. At least one of us is in a heated state of emotions and has lost the capacity to listen to the other. Maybe the other is ‘giving it back’ and escalation is happening causing one or both parties to fling generalized accusations and insults at the other. Defamation of character, use of stereotypes, and prejudice are hallmarks of this kind of conflict.

Facilitation generally helps for conflicts where respect and constructive intention are strong enough to rise above restimulation. For hostile conflicts, a different approach is needed and this is where we will focus for now.

Restimulation is in play

In hostile conflicts, the primary insight to work with is that we are dealing with restimulations. These are heavy enough to shut down thinking and, instead, cause participants to play old distress recordings that take over their minds.

Here is the key insight. When restimulation is in play, perhaps 90% or more of the strength of the emotions/feelings experienced by the people in the conflict is a product of old, undischarged distress and thus does not fully belong to the present situation.

Therefore, whenever strong emotions arise and thinking goes out the window (indicating that folks are restimulated), the ideal sequence of actions needs to be as follows: –

• Discontinue the transaction preferably before irredeemable damage is caused. It may be that a third party (facilitator with help from their support person) has to interrupt the transaction if they sense that it is spiraling out of control. Remove the people or person who initiated the conflict from the confrontation and invite them to take a session in separate rooms if you have the listening resources to hand.

These emergency sessions are likely to serve just to take-the-top-off and at least bring the temperatures down enough so that the protagonists can agree that there is more ‘session and discharge’ work to do.

• Ideally the people involved need to ‘take sessions’ with uninvolved people who have co-counseling skills and know how to: –
• See past the patterns and love the inherent person (their client), whatever their patterns.
• Assist their client in tracking back to early memories – questions like ‘does this remind you of anything in your past’, ‘tell me about times when have you felt like this before’  are appropriate.
• Can provide the client with good attention and thoughtful contradictions that help the client reach and stay with discharge for a useful amount of time (30 to 50 minutes)
• Knows how to get the attention of their client ‘up and out’ at the end of the session so that the client is in good shape to continue life outside of the session

Identity issues

A likely restimulation scenario is that the target person in the transaction reminds the aggressor of someone from the past with whom they have issues. This is common and results in surprisingly heavy restimulations that then play havoc with the quality of the present time relationships.

Plenty of sessions

It is most likely that more than one session is needed as original early hurts are often deeply buried.  Our client needs to clear the distresses out by reaching back to earlier times to identify and discharge the old hurts that are giving rise to the current (mostly misplaced) feelings. Having the co-counseling insights about old stuff playing in current time is immensely helpful and we likely need our counselors to remind us about this as we commonly forget this.